The "orgasm gap" refers to the difference in orgasm rates between men and women during intercourse. Studies have consistently shown that men are more likely to orgasm during sex compared to women. According to a British study in 2022, 61% of men, but only 30% of women say they orgasm every time they have sex. According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, NSSHB in the USA the gap is even bigger: 75% of men vs. 29% of women.
The Kinsey Institute's research has suggested that the orgasm gap between men and women is not solely due to physical factors but also related to psychological and emotional aspects of sexual experiences. They have found that the gap can be narrower in longer-term relationships where the communication and emotional connection are stronger.
An interesting difference between male and female desire is that male desire is very visible, while female desire is almost invisible. Except for those who know the female body. And when so few women orgasm in the sexual act, there are only a few men who get wiser each time.
The way to close the orgasm gap therefore goes through making a joint effort to find the female desire, that you create a safe space around it, and show respect in the making. We have called it realities, a safe space, and respect. Since there is no place in a man's life where one learns about the female body and sex in a respectful way, here are some tips. The more you learn, the better sex you and she will be able to have.
The realities
Decide that you will make an effort to get to know your partner's desires and their body.
You can google female body and female sexuality and notice all the areas where there is something you don't know about your own body. You can also read books about women's erotic fantasies. If you have a close friend, ask him or her about their knowledge of the female body and its desires.
Keep asking questions until you feel you have at least a basic understanding of how a woman's body works and what can make get her "in the mood".
A safe space
Then it's time to create a safe space with her where you share your curiosity about female desire and how you now really want to get to know her desire. You can ask her to show you what she likes. If she doesn't know, offer to figure it out together. Be patient, because it may be that the woman you are having sex with is not herself aware of her desire and how her body works. If you want to, you can also tell her that it is perfectly fine with you if she experiments herself and then brings the result into your common space.
Good sex is a combination of body and mind. Since our culture has long not considered women to have a sexuality, be prepared that your partner may feel ashamed to talk about sex and may also be ashamed of some of what goes on between you. Then it is really good to know about and make use of "Aftercare". Google it, and then continuously in your exploration ask if this is what she needs.
If your partner already knows what turns her on, but still doesn't have an orgasm when you have sex, she might be afraid of something. Ask her what is the worst that can happen if she shares her longings, or give precise instructions?
Maybe she is afraid that you will laugh at her, or that it will fail if you try something different than you usually do, and she feels that it is embarrassing to fail. She may also be afraid that you will lose interest in her. Talk about it and make each other feel safe.
Register what she and you think is naughty, because it is individual, and will be your compass that you can use together in the future.
Respect
The more she feels that there is respect around what she says, does and feels in the sexual area, the more she will be able to devote herself to you. So drop the jokes, irony and dirty talk in this sensitive phase.
It can be difficult to get started talking about sex. Start talking about it when the two of you are alone. Maybe there was something in the media about sex that you can start with. Or on film, in a book or whatever you use. Adopt a curious rather than a judgmental approach.
Feel free to ask about anything you don't understand. Because just as her desire is not nearly as visible as yours, there are many other differences.
You can also go to an online sex shop and look at some of the things that are sold and explore each other's curiosity together. Or go to physical stores together. Just arranging such a visit can increase your mutual desire, so you might not go at all because you'd rather have sex. You can also try to laugh together when what you thought would be really naughty turns out not to work at all for the two of you. As long as you laugh together it can open the door to a more playful approach.
The most important thing here is that you agree that it is always ok to say maybe, yes, or no - and that a no must always be respected.
The more you individually and together find the courage to cultivate reality, a safe space and respect, the more you will improve your chances of reaching dizzying heights of pleasure, joy and vitality.
XOXO to you!